I've been thinking a hell of a lot since I broke up with "him".

well, I always knew, no matter how much I tried to deny it, that that guy wasn't who he said he was. I don't know, something just never seemed to add up to me. I guess my instincts were right.

at first when I found out it wasn't the real him, it didn't really have that much of an effect on me at all. but now...now that I'm thinking about it, looking back, I can't help but feel all these hurt emotions.

I wish, so badly, that it was the real him. I was the absolute happiest I've ever been since....well, ever!
everynight at 11:11 pm I would wish and hope and pray (yes, pray, a bit taboo for me, huh?)that I was dating the real person, that this was the real deal!
but of course, I would never be so lucky. I don't deserve something or someone so...perfect. I never worked hard in my life, never done chores, never disiplined myself. I almost always got what I wanted, everything was just given to me, because I'm the baby.

I could never deserve something so presious, or someone so beautiful and hard working as him, the REAL him.

even so, I'll continue admiring him from far off. I can't say I love him though, because I don't know him, but I think admiring is just about right.

So anyways, I've got a crush on a new boy, Alex (or Droid, as I like to call him in my head) I haven't really met him yet, either. but from what I hear, he's a very nice, sweet, funny guy.
Angela keeps telling me ALL about him, about how cool he is. I'm thinking about asking him to the Military Ball. maybe, just maybe, I'll ask him out.
if I do end up dating him, I need to be extra careful, because he's had his heart broken many times, and I don't want to ever put him through that again. however, I hear that he wants a commitment from his next girlfriend, that he wants to marry her.

so I'm a little bit scared, because I never really had a Boyfriend before (not counting Jeremy, and not counting faker-boy) and I'm not sure that I would be ready for a commitment like that quite yet.....but I'm willing to try!

its funny, when I started this journal, I was feeling kind of down, but as soon as I got all this out, I started feeling better. LOL

any thoughts you'd like to share? comments? Idk, lol, I'm just bored.